You Don’t Say!

Few people have heard of the famous naturalist and wildlife photographer William Xavier Knox.  His life has been one amazing adventure of finding the unexplored, the unexplained, and the unusual.  Billy’s dreams have become quite legendary.

A few winters ago, Billy survived a scrap with a polar snake up in the Great White North.  He had been hoping to finally capture a picture of the elusive Arctic snake crossing the frozen tundra.  Instead, he nearly fell to his death in a large crevice in the ice.  Fortunately for Billy, his pick axe held firmly while he pulled himself up to safety.

Emulating some of his shutterbug heroes, Billy harbors hopes of becoming a revered wildlife photographer.  With his treasured camera, he is still waiting to capture that “once in a lifetime” shot.

None of Billy’s photography has been published yet.  He relies on “word of mouth” to carry the message of his work.  After all, he figures this is the best approach because he doesn’t want people stampeding into nature’s quiet landscapes.

Unfortunately, few people have met up with Billy.  Even fewer people have ever heard of this almost forgotten wildlife photographer.  Nonetheless, he has huge plans for the future of his work.

A determined Billy is currently traveling across the eastern third of the “Cowboy State” of Wyoming.  The upper plateau and plains are home to many exotic animals. 

A freak of nature, this fearsome critter has never been captured on film.  A cross between a jack rabbit and an antelope has produced a mysterious creature called a Jackalope.  Unfortunately for Billy, someone else has successfully photographed this Jackalope a few days ago.  All Billy can say is, “Geez, another one got away!”

Billy’s next appointment takes him to the Pacific Northwest.  He plans to search the thick rainforests of the mountains for the elusive Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus.

As Billy arrives in the area, he is informed that a website already features his prized target.  When interviewed, Billy disappointedly explains, “Why am I always coming in second when trying to capture these prizes of nature?”

A young girl shows Billy the link to the website:  https://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/

Winking at him and smiling, she smartly asks Billy, “Do you really believe in these odd species of nature?”

Billy pauses and thinks for a second or two before smiling back, “Well, if I didn’t, there goes my photography career.  Right down into my musty basement, filled with old photographs.”

Billy’s mind is beginning to stir to semi-consciousness.  A gloomy vision clouds his mind, and he begins to wrestle with it.

He is busy photographing school children across the country for those dreaded school portraits.  Someone adds, “You’ll know when he has reached your school.  Just look for his personalized license plate:  CRZYPCS.”

Waking up from his long, overnight nap, a sleepy-eyed Billy wanders out into the kitchen of his family’s Wyoming ranch house.  His grandfather is browsing a book, and he welcomes Billy to their usual morning time together. 

Grandfather asks, “How did you sleep young man?” 

“Just terrible!” replies Billy as he rubs his ten-year old eyes.  “I had a horrible dream about being a school photographer.  You know . . . the one who takes those awful photos for school yearbooks and student portrait packets to send home.”

His grandfather pauses and places the book on the table, “You don’t say!” 

Billy glances at the book, and he smiles up at the author of the book, William Xavier Knox.  His grandfather is a world-renowned wildlife photographer.

Cold Cash

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A bewildered and frustrated Sgt. Joe Friday has been working on a cold case for several weeks. 

Despite his best efforts, the renowned detective can’t pin the rap on Willy Martin, a notorious bank robber.  A cool $100,000 has been snatched away from the First National Bank, all in large bills (aka “Benjamin Franklin’s $100).  

Sitting at his desk and checking his notes, Friday’s thoughts keep coming back to the same pattern of thinking.  Since the money remains hot, it is very doubtful that Willy Martin has put any of the money back into circulation.  He’s been under surveillance for weeks, but he hasn’t made any suspicious moves.

Every Saturday morning, Friday meets up with his retired partner, Bill Gannon.  They hang out at their favorite coffee shop and trade war stories from their past cases.

Bill is telling a story about a funny situation which recently took place in Ohio.  He recalls the situation, “A grandmother’s $25,000 went missing from her home.  It was her life savings.”

Friday continues listening, but he is just about filled up with coffee and conversation.  His mind keeps working overtime on the cold case.

Bill’s version of the story begins to become more interesting to his former partner, “No one knew where the money went.  Her grandchildren helped clean her house one day.  They were very thorough, even emptying out the old, spoiled food from her refrigerator and freezer.”

Friday eagerly waits for the story’s finale, as Bill wraps it up, “Her money was stored in the freezer in an envelope, and it was accidentally thrown away.  Fortunately, the trash truck operator found the cold cash before it ended up at the landfill.”

“Bingo!  Cold cash!”  Friday jumps up and thanks Bill for the hot tip.  As his good friend hustles out the door, Bill wonders what is really up. 

On Monday, he heads across town to ask a judge for another search warrant.  The warrant is for Willy Martin’s grandma’s house, more specifically her freezer.  There is a large chest freezer submerged in the depths of her basement.

When Friday shows up at grandma’s door, she seems a bit shocked to see him again.  After all, he searched the entire house several days ago, and nothing was found.  Except, this time the determined Sgt. Friday remembers the freezer in the basement.

With the efficiency of a well-seasoned detective, Friday quickly removes the contents from the overflowing freezer.  Hiding at the bottom of the freezer is a false floor.  He tears open the heavy cardboard to find several envelopes hiding out down below.

As he checks the contents of several sealed envelopes, he discovers the missing loot.  All $100,000 of it!  Even Benjamin Franklin is winking back at the detective, “Honesty is the best policy.”

The detective reads grandma her rights.  Then she suddenly begins singing like a parakeet, “I never knew what Willy put in my freezer.  Honest Sgt. Friday.  He promised me everything was okay while he stayed hidden from the heat, who was checking on his every move.”

Sgt. Friday replies back, “Well, crime doesn’t pay when you are asked to take the heat for hiding someone else’s cold cash.”

While the storied detective calls to make arrangements for officers to pick up Willy Martin, he finally begins to relax.  This challenging cold case has been solved.

   

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Washington Irving Quotes

I consider a story merely as a frame on which to stretch my materials.

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.

Writing ‘the’ Book

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Writing becomes treasured hobby

Writing ‘the’ book, will anyone read?

Writing each hour, quitting day job

Writing chapters with epic speed

 

Waiting for magic, keyboard sleeps

Waiting for inspiration’s nudge

Waiting for publisher to call

Waiting for something bold, oh fudge!

 

Overlooking advice from friends

Overlooking cover’s design

Overlooking shrinking cash flow

Overlooking final deadline

 

Spending phantom cash, much too fast

Spending less and less time writing

Spending more and more time dreaming

Spending months on nothing exciting

 

Pushing aside all of these thoughts

Focusing on fresh start at hand

Crafting poetry, something new

Writing ‘the’ book, no longer planned

 

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Ain’t Broke Yet!

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Papa had always been sort of set in his ways.  Some might even say he’d become much too old-fashioned, but he took pride in being thrifty with a dollar.

My brother, Nick, walked up to Papa one afternoon and explained his dilemma, “My old, worn-out phone needs to be replaced.  All of the guys at school own a way better one than mine.”

Looking up from his magazine, Papa firmly replied, “Ain’t broke yet!”

A few days later, Mama called out to her husband in a voice filled with distress.  Her washing machine was on the fritz . . . again.  Papa made a couple of quick fixes, and then told Mama, “Ain’t broke yet!”

Mama always told me, “Papa has always been a penny pincher, just like his dear ol’ Papa.” 

A couple of weeks later, the zipper on my outdated winter coat was stuck.  Running to Papa, I tried to convince him to buy me a new coat, “Papa, this old coat is just worn out.  Don’t you think it’s time to buy me a new one?”

Papa took my coat.  After fiddling with the zipper for a couple of minutes, he brought it back to me with a proud smile on his face, “Ain’t broke yet!”

The next morning, Papa was sitting at the breakfast table, and he was looking over the advertisements in the newspaper.  A dashing, new pick-up truck caught his eye, and he imagined himself driving it down the street for everyone to see.  With his usual humble confidence, he announced to the rest of us, “I am thinking of trading in the ol’ truck for a brand new one.  She has quite a few miles on her.”

In unison, we all shouted, “Ain’t broke yet!”

George Burns Quotes

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You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

George Burns (1896-1996) entertained Americans through a variety of venues (vaudeville, radio, film, and television) as a comedian, actor, singer, and writer.

Incompatible (Haiku Series #149)

Laundry Test

Blue jeans meet green grass

Young boys wrestling in backyard—

Washing grass-stained knees

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Antagonists

Incompatible

Dentists and manicurists—

Fighting tooth and nail

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Forgotten

Lifetime of knowledge

Encyclopedia facts—

Sidelined by Google

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Monday Memories: Take My Place

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Have you ever thought?

About the significance of a chair

Providing comfort and relaxing care

 

Chairs, many in number

Starring in all sizes and shapes

Making for countless escapes

 

Summertime in the backyard

A sturdy, relaxing hammock waits

Making afternoon naps an ideal fate

 

Looking for a cool place to sit

Bean bag chairs, ready for fun

Comfortable seats for everyone

 

A rocking chair seldom sits alone

Inviting story time for two

Grandma reads, right on cue

 

Every living room offers choices

A colorful sofa seats two, maybe more

Crowding together, let’s not try for four

 

Extra chairs needed at an event

Arriving much, much too late

A folding chair will be my fate

 

Summer sun, surf, and sand

Sitting at the beach, carries the day

Relaxing under brilliant, sunny rays

 

Energetic, little people arrive

Parking themselves in tiny banana seats

Rocking with laughter, enjoying some treats

laughter, without any cares

 

An oversized recliner, in a corner

Always my best and most favorite place

Stretching out to relax, by the fireplace

 

Before you go, I have one request to ask

Will you please “take my place” in this special chair

The dentist is eager and ready, with genuine care

 

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Enjoy the Ride

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Another day dawning

Life’s open highway

Relax, enjoy the ride

Searching hidden byways

 

Each byway, something new

Life’s treasured adventures

Unwind, take each one in

Tasting newfound ventures

 

Every venture smiles

Life’s tempo never slows

Marvel, each sweet blessing

Smelling one tender rose

 

Single rose shares fragrance

Life’s memories accrue

Smile, waiting in the wings

Finding tomorrow’s clue

 

Tomorrow’s whistle sounds

Life’s train steaming ahead

Relax, enjoy the ride

Dreaming, asleep in bed

  

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